Cherishing the Departed

 The following talk was delivered to Unity Lincoln (NE) on May 29,2022. Some material is repeated from earlier writings.

Cherishing  the Departed

By James Leroy Wilson

Good morning!

As you know, tomorrow is Memorial Day, a holiday in the United States for mourning those who died while serving in the armed forces. It has evolved to a day where many people take time to remember or visit the graves of their departed loved ones whether or not they had served.

I have been fortunate not to have had family or friends who were killed in war, but many have served.

My grandparents came from large families, and I have more great-uncles than I can name. (In fact, I wouldn't be shocked if any of you, or all of you, are second cousins.)

I do know of two great-uncles who served in World War II. They were infantrymen in their early-to-mid 30's.

I remember seeing one occasionally at family events when I was a child. He almost never spoke. I didn't really get to know him. I think it was after his death that I was told that he was part of a unit that reached one of the concentration camps in Europe, but always refused to talk about the war.

The other great-uncle I knew a little bit better, but again it was after his death that I learned he was in the war. I was told that he said that his rifle would get too hot to hold, so I knew he was in the thick of battle and am thankful he came home.

My dad came from a family of six sons, and five served in the Navy during wartime.

• The two oldest were in World War II, each joining the Navy right after high school graduation.

• Those two were also in the Korean War, with two other uncles who joined the Navy after getting kicked out of the University of Nebraska

• My Dad was born in 1936, coming of age after Korea and having a family by the time Vietnam heated up and didn't serve. 

• My youngest uncle was an orderly on a hospital ship in Vietnam.

I have a cousin who was in a nuclear submarine during Vietnam but wasn't really a part of the war, and several other cousins have served in the Navy, Air Force, and Coast Guard over the ensuing decades, but saw no combat.

My Uncle Leonard's ship was torpedoed in World War II. He was able to retrieve the flag before the ship sank and then was rescued.

My Uncle Jim graduated from the Naval Academy between the wars and was an officer on a ship during the Korean War. One day he was on deck and an officer unfamiliar to him came up and informed him to report to the bridge immediately. When he got to the bridge, he was told nobody had sent for him. At that moment there was an explosion at the exact spot he had been. Nobody knew who that officer was, and he was never identified. All I can conclude is that it wasn't Uncle Jim's time yet. More on that later.

The other uncles weren't on combat ships and were never in harm's way, as far as I know, and I don't think anything dramatic or traumatic happened to my cousins in the services.

I'm grateful they all came home with no injuries and they all raised wonderful families.

But the oldest, Uncle Leonard, who survived the ship sinking, was only 67 when surgery for a brain tumor went wrong, and he passed on. 

Uncle Jim, the one who "should" have died in the explosion, lived to be 94. He actually just passed on this week, early Thursday morning. He lived long enough to see his daughter, my cousin Heather, die from a sudden heart attack in 2020. She was in her early sixties. 

Uncle Floyd had major conditions throughout his life and passed on at 67. His daughter Kathy was found dead in her home some years later before she was 50.

Uncle Harold lost a daughter in childbirth, and his first wife while she was still in her sixties. A beloved daughter-in-law, my cousin's wife Sue, from that family died suddenly in her 50s.

Our own family lost my brother Joel to cancer at 57 a few years ago. On my Mom's side, we lost an aunt to a car crash when she was in her early 40s.

This doesn't list everyone in my extended family who've passed on. There've been others who lived to an advanced age that I haven't mentioned. But I just want to state the obvious: whether it's from wartime or not, we've all experienced what feels like a premature loss of a loved one.

Last summer my Dad's side had a family reunion. One of the all-family meetings was to be a remembrance of the departed. I was asked to say a few words,  I later wrote down the main idea. Here's some of what I said:

Whenever a friend, family member, or even a celebrity I admire makes their transition, I’m reminded of Jake Brewer.

I didn’t know Jake Brewer. He was senior technology advisor to President Obama. He was also a competitive triathlete (which is running, biking, and swimming), and had been a college national champion in the run-bike duathlon.

On September 19, 2015, Jake was in a charity bicycle race. He lost control of his bike on a sharp curve and was hit by an oncoming vehicle. He died from the injuries.

Jake left behind a two-year-old daughter and a wife who was in her third trimester with their second daughter.

His wife was the political commentator Mary Katherine Ham. As she later explained to podcaster Alison Rosen, she thought about how healthy Jake was, how experienced and skilled a rider he was, and how he had even trained others in bicycle accident mitigation. His death in a bicycle race was so unlikely that it gave Mary a sense of peace. She realized: That was it; the man had 34 years."

So Mary posted on Instagram:

“I will strive and pray not to feel I was cheated of many years with him, but cherish the gift of the years I had with him.”

Whenever a friend or family member has passed on, I often think of what Mary Katherine Ham wrote after her devastating loss.

"Cherish the gift of the years you had with the loved one."

I could end today's message right now with that, but I'll ramble on for a few more minutes to fill up the hour.

Mary Katherine Ham remarried in 2020, and her new husband adopted her daughters. She gave birth to her third daughter in 2021.

Just a couple of weeks ago she was back on Alison Rosen's podcast. She's living a full and happy life and counsels young widows who've reached out to her.

Jake Brewer's sudden death could have shattered Mary. But what happened is that, after the sudden shock and initial sadness, Mary's thoughts turned to gratitude. Gratitude that Jake was in her life, gratitude for their time together.

We don’t know the reason people depart this physical plane when they do. But when it’s their time, it’s their time. Jake Brewer had 34 years. 

Here at Unity Lincoln, we lost our pastor Toni Stephens Coleman last October. She was 74 years old. She had 74 years.

Jake's passing came as a complete shock to everyone. As is frequently the case, Toni's transition didn't come as a surprise to those close to her but may have been a shock to others who were unaware she had been ill.

But whether I knew someone for just over three years, like Toni, or all my life, like my brother Joel, all I can do is look back, smile, and cherish the gift of their life in my life. 

I am reminded of a famous tweet credited to Twitter user Dean Podesta. It was originally posted before David Bowie passed on in 2016 then spread like wildfire shortly after he did. Podesta tweeted:

“If you’re ever sad, just remember the world is 4.543 billion years old and you somehow managed to exist at the same time as David Bowie.”

I may feel sad that Toni’s no longer physically with us, but then I can remember that the world is billions of years old and I somehow managed to exist at the same time as her. And at the same time as Joel. 

You can fill in the blank with your own departed loved ones. This weekend, especially, if it applies to you, it could be a private first class, or a sergeant, or an ensign, or a corpsman that you knew.

But whether they live to be 9, or 19, or 59, or 99, just cherish the gift that others have given you by being in your life.

Thank you and have a wonderful holiday!

James Leroy Wilson writes Daily Miracles, The Daily Bible Chapter, JL Cells, and The MVP Chase. Thanks for your subscriptions and support!