What You Need To Believe To Be A Republican

This came into my inbox:


What You Need To Believe To Be A Republican

1. Jesus loves you and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
Clinton.

2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's
daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and
a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade
with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

4. The United States should get out of the United Nations and our
highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind
without regulation.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies,
then demand their cooperation and money.

9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing
health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies
have the best interests of the public at heart.

10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.

11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which
thousands die is solid defense policy.

12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the
Internet.

13. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
Bush's drunk driving record and assault on the Vice President (Poppa
Bush)is none of our business.

14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers
for your recovery.

15. Supporting "Executive Privilege" for every Republican ever born,
who will be born, or who might be born (in perpetuity.)

16. What Bill Clinton smoked in England in the 1960s is of vital
national interest, but what Bush snorted in the '80s is irrelevant.

17. Support hunters who shoot their friends and blame other hunters for
wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.

If you don't send it to at least 10 other people, we're likely to be
stuck with more Republicans in '08.