The Next 70's Remakes

The Taking of Pelham One Two Three is the latest in a long line of re-makes of 1970's movies: The Poseidon Adventure, The Bad News Bears, The In-Laws, Fun With Dick And Jane, Sleuth, and several more that I can't think of off the top of my head.

Considering that Hollywood has run out of ideas, I predict the following movies from the 1970's will be re-made. This isn't intended to be satire; these are fairly serious predictions. Although, now having made the predictions public, there's less of a chance of these movies being made. That's more or less my purpose: I don't want these movies made, but I fear they will be. In no particular order:

20. Sean Penn taking Al Pacino's role in Dog Day Afternoon
19. Will Farrell and Kate Hudson taking the Ryan O'Neal and Barbra Streisand roles in What's Up, Doc?
18. George Clooney in the Paul Newman role for Slapshot. Jon Heder from Napoleon Dynamite and Blades of Glory will probably play one of the Hanson brothers (unless the brothers from 90's boy band Hanson can skate).
17. Will Smith and Matt Damon in the Nick Nolte and Mac Davis roles for North Dallas Forty.
16. Samuel L. Jackson and Morgan Freeman taking over for Walter Matthau and George Burns in an African-American adaptation of The Sunshine Boys.
15. Smokey and the Bandit with Owen Wilson as the Bandit, Vince Vaughn as the truck driver, and Ben Stiller as the sheriff.
14. A Jaws remake with a CGI shark; Nicholas Cage plays Chief Brody, who in this version is a single father, and Halle Berry, or a younger actress, as the scientist Hooper. Brody's oldest child will not be a 12 year-old boy but rather a spoiled-but-hot teenage girl who spends the entire movie in a bikini.
13. Jamie Foxx taking over Clint Eastwood's Dirty Harry
12. Russell Crowe, Matthew Fox, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Sean Astin in for Burt Reynolds, Jon Voight, Ronny Cox, and Ned Beatty in Deliverance.
11. John Cusack and Chris Tucker replacing Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor in The Silver Streak
10. Jack Nicholson and Chris Rock taking over for George Burns and John Denver in Oh God!
9. Keanu Reeves in a movie titled Marathon Man with a torture scene and a chase, but otherwise a signficantly revised plot.
8. Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore taking the Chevy Chase and Goldie Hawn roles in Foul Play
7. Woody Allen and Abigail Breslin replacing Dudley Moore and Bo Derek in 10 (Okay - that one was a joke, although Allen would probably be interested.)
6. Brad Pitt in the Paul Newman role leading an all-star cast in The Towering Inferno - possibly scratched due to lingering 9/11 sensitivities.
5. Shia Labeouf and Scarlett Johannson taking the roles of Ryan O'Neal and Ali McGraw in Love Story.
4. Cate Blanchett and Julia Roberts in a lesbian-marriage version of Kramer vs. Kramer
3. Jodie Foster in the Faye Dunaway role, David Straithairn in the William Holden role, and Samuel L. Jackson in the Peter Finch role of anchorman in Network. I saw the original just once, on television when I was maybe ten or eleven and remember few details, but I learned more from that movie than an entire year's worth of elementary school.
2. Clint Eastwood and Nick Jonas taking over for John Wayne and Ron Howard in The Shootist, with this one directed by Ron Howard.
1. Morgan Freeman and Charlize Theron in the Art Carney and Lily Tomlin roles for The Late Show. Actually, if they do this right, this could win all the Oscars the original should have won (or at least been nominated for), but it still won't be as good.

Instead of making these movies, I have a suggestion for Hollywood: call me. You seem unable to write an original script. I have a few ideas.

And for readers: instead of watching re-makes, watch the originals! Of the films mentioned above, I have not seen Love Story or 10. Of the films that have already seen remakes, the best originals are The Bad News Bears, The In-Laws, and Sleuth. I was very little when I saw Fun With Dick and Jane and although I remember it's very funny, I can't judge it with adult eyes. The Poseidon Adventure demonstrated the charisma of Gene Hackman, Ernest Borgnine, and Shelley Winters - none of whom were particularly good-looking. They all over-acted with a cheesy script and still kept the movie entertaining and suspenseful. The original The Taking of Pelham One Two Three, with Walter Matthau and Robert Shaw, is also recommended.

Of the movies I fear will be re-made, I would rank the originals in this order:

1. Jaws
2. Network
3. The Late Show
4. North Dallas Forty
5. Slapshot
6. Kramer vs. Kramer
7. Dog Day Afternoon
8. Marathon Man
9. The Sunshine Boys
10. Deliverance
11. What's Up, Doc?
12. The Shootist
13. Oh, God!
14. The Silver Streak
15. The Towering Inferno
16. Foul Play
17. Dirty Harry
18. Smokey & The Bandit
(Again, I haven't seen Love Story or 10.)

Please let me know in the Comments if any of these remakes are already in the works, or if I missed the boat (considering I didn't do any research for this post) and some of these already have been re-made.